not my kind of party

It bothers me when people dump all of the problems they find with Christianity in my lap and expect me to quickly sort them out. It bothers me even more that I don't have the answers I feel I should. The fact of the matter is that I'm not really passionate about discussing Constantine's involvement in the forming of the Canon or the abrupt difference between Jesus and Paul's teachings styles. I know these things are important. As a person of faith it's crucial to take a hard look at the history. It's just that sometimes I get so annoyed by people who take that stuff more seriously than the actual message. I dunno...

ma' sibz

I kinda like these people.

I've Got Nothin'

Still no new ideas for this summer. I'm just gonna trust that God will show me his will. I know that wherever i'll be, it'll be my decision to have a good attitude, to serve, to love and to glorify. I just wish I knew WHERE I should do those things. My semester is coming to a close and I still have no idea. God, please show me what to do and I will do it.

Game Plan

My days feel so monotonous and repetitive. Life has become something so incredibly boring that I feel like doing something rash. I'm sick of making the same list every day and slowly crossing things off. I'm sick of being discontent with my studies and my living situation, my sin struggles and the issues I have with friends. I want to break free from this life I've created for myself and start over. I'm a communications major and a french minor, I hate my major but I have to do it because my dad is paying for college and he wouldn't let me study something "useless" like history or philosophy or english(basically anything I'm interested in) so I'm stuck. I don't tell my parents I want to help people or maybe be a missionary some day because I know they'll disapprove. They want me to be well off like them and that's all that matters. I live with a girl who is nothing like me. yeah, she is kind, neat and polite. We don't fight or anything but we're not friends. She is not someone to confide in. Not a lot are. I have met very few people at eastern who actually get me. who share similar interests and have similar perspectives on life in general. I have close Christian friends but the majority of them live far from me. I say I am passionate about loving freely but my day to day life shows no sign of it. I live selfishly and foolishly. I say I'll help people tomorrow but then never do. i have such good intentions but rarely follow them through. I don't love God as much as i should. I have so many struggles with faith. I have so many questions about Christianity, I feel so unstable in my thinking and reasoning. I live my life like I know I'll live forever. I don't take each day seriously. I am wasting time. precious precious time. God, when did it get this bad? I want to follow your plan for my life but I just don't know how to carry that out in my day to day life. I want to be your disciple. I want to show my love for Christ in every action. I want to be bold and secure in my faith. I need to transition into the woman of God I so desperately want to be. I'm so sick of struggling. don't get me wrong. I love my life, my family, friends, God...i love myself. I am actually a very joyful person. it's just that even though I am content in many ways with my life and myself I still feel that I have not reached the potential my Creator intended. I need to be persist ant in growing each day into the woman of God I am destined to become. I don't know what God is calling me to do this summer but I hope I'll be smart enough to recognize what it is and bold enough to do it. A part of me says I should stay at home in Novi and get a job and take a couple classes. I need the money and the credit hours. but the other part of me believes God has something much wilder planned, that money and school shouldn't be my priority, that I need to trust God will take care of me. The only thing holding me back from that is that if say I go on a missions trip, my parents would be paying for me and I don't want to be dependant on them. At least when I don't have to be. So there's this struggle in my brain going on. Be responsible and independent? or do I devote myself more to the cause and trust that God will take care of me and in doing so sacrifice my independence. I just don't know what the right answer is. Can I get a witness?

Dope

Ever since i started breakdancing i've been having dreams of these babiez. Tell me which ones you like! cough cough natalie.

Passing Out On the Toilet Made You Feel So Alive

Where oh God is the righteous man? I want to think happy thoughts but it's impossible right now. Last night was terrible and eye-opening. I felt completely exposed to my generation and have come to the conclusion that we've all gone to shit. Everyone is full of greed, hatred, selfishness, lust...this was worse than the poverty stricken bahtas in the Dominican Republic. I could still see God working there...but here, people have forgotten God. They've actually stopped thinking. There is only drunken debauchery and bodily destruction. It makes me sick that i was apart of it. I don't want my life to be about this. Why can't intelligent people see that there is something greater to be had in life? God is not hiding as much as people think, it's just that no one seeks Him. I feel so alone in this place. I don't belong here.

Vertical Ambition

I'm so happy to have found this. I'm learning how to do flips and hand stands and crazy awesome tricks. I want to be good at this, and for the right reason this time.

Poison Apples and Sleeping Beuties....Go Fuck Yourself

"It's a fairytale," he said. My response? Silence then a half-heatedly thrown dirty look as I shut the door in his face. He didn't even notice. He was finishing his cigarette anyway. There is no understanding in his eyes and I doubt there will ever be. He is incapable of grasping the weight this "fairytale" has on me. A fairytale? I am at a loss and I don't know how to handle such cruel words. I'm not ashamed of my fragility. I know i'm right.

Finding Him in little hands

trust me.

Recently I've been searching and praying for understanding about a certain issue in my life. I've tried to come to a conclusion about what i think is right, if what i was getting into was "wrong." It came to the point where God told me to seek advice from a friend because i was so frustrated and confused that i was driving myself crazy. I explained everything to her point blank. the issue was that i KNEW what i was doing was wrong but i didnt understand WHY exaclty so out of frustration i kept on doing it. It's still a struggle for me to get that i cant grasp the understanding i want so badly, but i realized through the help of my friend that i'm going about it the wrong way. God doesnt give us understanding and then expects us to trust Him. He wants us to trust Him so He can give us understanding. I'm in the process of learning to trust God with what is right. I believe understanding will follow.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"

finally woken

How can i describe something so indescribable? My trip to the dominican republic was an experience that has changed my life. My expectations were completely shattered by what God had planned for me. He has used me in ways i did not think possible. I can't believe how capable of good a person can be. Me a sinner, who has no right to do anything in God's holy name going out into the most godless places of the earth and shining my creator's light. That's the thing about my God. He uses our brokenness and transforms us into vessels of his spirit. Through our weakness there is strength!

I have learned so much from my trip but i guess to sum it all up i've decided(or realized) that Jesus controls my destiny. I want to live to spread and glorify my redeemer's name. How can i live this life for anyone else than the one that sacrificed himself for me? This sounds all Christianity 101 but i feel there is something deeper. I encountered God in DR. Now i yearn for him constantly. I need his presence like i need air, like i need blood pumping through my viens.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand