I need to get back in this blogging thing again but it's difficult because i don't really know where to start or what to say. i don't really feel the desire to get all serious or spiritual so ill just take it easy this time. today i woke up with a sore throat that just wouldnt quit. im skipping my classes because the one time i tried to venture outside of my apartment this morning i ended up causing a scene in the middle of the library. i was hunched over a drinking fountain, practically dying trying to suppress my coughs as i frantically(and i mean frantically) unwrapped a cough drop so that the guided tour i was interrupting would stop staring at me. i can just hear tyler durden whispering in my ear "this is your life." "this is your life" this is your life"

but moving on, i just cant figure out that age old question....what am i going to do friday night? i would love to go to this crazy german techno show in hamtram with chandi and phil but im so broke. the more frugal option is going hot tubing with my crew in commerce. at this point it probably will end up being a skok night. for those who dont know, a skok night is a night me and my siblings (eric and sarah) partake in every so often where we get together, drink copious amounts of alcohol and go do something fun. maybe the techno show? i hope. skok night sounds pretty appealing right now cause im the baby and i never have to pay. this is key people.

i should try to do something productive now. wish me luck!

and shout out to Meredith Drangin (who is most likely the only one reading this)I love your blog, you are lovely and i love you.

Things just aren't the same. I feel like someone has sneaked into my room while i was asleep and tampered with my brain. I cant control my thoughts anymore. the world has turned itself upside down and I'm trying my best to live my life as if nothing has happened. but the truth is everything is different. the way i perceive everything is different. all i have is an unending list of questions crammed in my head. the more i think about them the more lost i feel. so i try not to think. it never lasts long. so i go to my bible. more questions. i go to God. more questions. i feel so helpless. all i want is the truth. clarity. peace. there was a time when i believed in something because it made me feel amazing. it made me a better person. it gave me purpose in life. but that is wrong. that's not really believing is it? i don't think so. to really believe in something it has to make sense right? it has to be a reasonable faith. It must be logical. this brings up a great predicament for me because i WANT to believe in something that doesn't fully make sense to me anymore. this is irrational. i know God never intended for us to understand everything but i feel at times i don't understand enough to rationally believe. its foolish to follow something blindly right? in my soul i think i do believe that Jesus is the Messiah but i want to know why i believe that. i need things to start making sense. i need help. i need answers. i can't rely on how i'm feeling anymore. i need something i can understand.

WAZZZZAP. I know, it's been awhile but i'm back. Here's what I've been up to!

-working my ASS of with Vertical Ambition (driving 2Xs a week to Detroit to practice, doing shows and getting ready for battle season).

-living by myself on campus at EMU, doing homework nonstop (even though i only have 13 creds) and basically being a loner all day long because there's no time to socialize.

-starting back up with my dominican republic small group and going to Mosaic Church when i can on Sundays.

-visiting my loves all across Michigan (my peeps in Royal Oak, East Lansing and Grand Rapids) and soon Chicago

-reading tons of books before i go to bed and going through the gospels.

life isnt that exciting at the moment but i'm just trying to grow spiritually while i finish up this whole college thing and move on to what God has in store next.

i have to go study now...

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. I John 4:18

the devil is alive, i feel him breathin

did you know that there are over 15,000 neo-nazis in america today? to think in the 21st century that there are people out there who actually believe that their aryan blood is superior. there are people in our country who believe jews are plotting to breed whites out of existence. people who are more than willing to use violence in order for a white society to exist. people who burn Anne Frank books in the name of christianity.

while a small minority of american neo-nazis draw public attention, most operate underground, so they can recruit, organize and raise funds without interference or harassment. prisons house many white supremacists and neo-nazi prison gangs, and often white prisoners join those gangs for protection. those neo-nazi groups that do operate more publicly use stage protests and rallies that spread fear throughout the community. i saw a clip of one in washington outside the white house. anti neo nazis were using pepperspray, they were giving the neo-nazis the finger and cursing their heads off at them. they wore bandannas over their mouths. one explained that the neo nazis dressed to intimidate so they should too. 4 protesters of the rally were taken under arrest for attacking neo-nazis.

hate fighting hate

it's so heartbreaking for me to see that we have not learned anything from dr. king.

"darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. the beauty of nonviolence is that in its own way and in its own time it seeks to break the chain reaction of evil."

recentley a man, dr. george tiller, who remained one of the nation's few providers of late-term abortions through decades of protests and attacks, was shot and killed in a church where he was serving as an usher and his wife was in the choir.

violence cannot condem violence. Jesus taught us to pray for our enemies but does anyone do that today? have we forgotten all that our nation's history holds?

"he who lives by the sword will die by the sword." Jesus

it is our job to LOVE and EDUCATE those who have been mislead.

meet my fave

VA and Lunchbox Jams

my life and thoughts as of late

so i'm working at kerby's koney island this summer with my love natalie. it's a good solid job and can even be fun at times, the pay isnt great, but hell i'll take it. moving back home has been a really long process. my room is a wreck and therefore i am unable to get anything done it seems. i plan on taking some summer classes at Eastern later on and going to Jamaica in august, dancing a ton, getting a gym membership and yadda yadda yadda. to be completely honest with myself i'm not sure if i should be disappointed with where i'm at or not. i know this kind of mundane life is to be expected until i'm finished with college but it still aggravates me. i just want it all to be over ith so i can move on with my life and do something worth living for. i want to help people NOW. i want to travel and advocate and pour all of me into something that impacts the world. i want to make big differences in people's lives...it just seems so far off, and it makes me nervous that i might be getting comfortable with where i'm at. like i'll never get my plans moving. it'll just turn into something so trivial like helping out at soup kitchens once a month when i'm forty. that's not what i want. i want bigger.

and in a lot of little ways i can feel God preparing me for my future. Like when i go spend my parents money lavishly or get crazy drunk at a party there's always this little moment where i recognize the fact that my life won't be anything like this in a little while. these days of me living this way, being this incredibly comfortable, are numbered. i can just feel that the life i have always lived is nothing like the future God has planned for me. i can't rely on my parents my whole life. i can't live to satisfy my own desires forever. i guess it's time i got the ball rolling even though i'm stuck in college for a bit longer. i need to stop using it as an excuse. i feel like a lot of people my age do that and i don't want to be apart of that anymore.

thankfully my God is patient. He will lead and counsel me through all of this.