i guess i'm one of those friends who never has a significant other. it's always been this way and it's okay now that i am so much more mature. in high school i remember praying for a boyfriend. i wanted one more than anything else in the whole world. in my heart i believed that i'd only be happy if a boy loved me. it tortured me to see my friends with their boyfriends, it was almost physically painful. i look back on that and am so grateful i wised up. i was yearning for love and approval from the wrong source. that's when i got in a terrible relationship. it makes me sick to think about it. it saddens me that i had to royally screw up before realizing what is right but i am thankful that today i have my head screwed on properly. at this point in my life i feel so different. i am constantly changing, thinking, feeling, growing, realizing...and i almost feel like anything romantic is the least beneficial thing i could be doing at this point. i want to discover what God wants for me. yeah, maybe an awesome guy could be a great partner in figuring that out but i just don't feel like that's good thinking. at least for me. i feel like i'm in a time of my life where i need to figure things out by myself.
also....i feel like i'm that piece in a huge puzzle that doesn't seem to match any others pieces. not that i think i'm the shit but that i don't think ive ever met someone truly like me. it's hard to explain. it's just that i feel like there are so many parts of me, so many personalities, opinions...hell even paradoxes in me that i couldn't POSSIBLY be ONE person. i'm such a chameleon. if i'm around my family i'm one person, if i'm around my dance friends i'm another....high school friends, class friends....even when i'm by myself i can be so different from one moment to the next and the weird thing is that all those versions of me ARE the real me. how am i supposed to find someone who can agree to be with the huge mess i am? ha only God knows. all i can say is that i'm happy right now being single and loving God. All I need are friends and family. but i'm still ever so curious and excited to meet my other puzzle piece.
marin, God has someone incredible that will love every version of marin inside of you. and when he comes along, i am going to do a background check and a one-on-one interview and possibly a lie detector test to make sure he's good enough for my marin.
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